Your marriage is your leadership team (and here's why that matters)

Brittany and I got married young, before our senior year of college.

Like many guys, I was less mature than girls my age. And I was especially less mature than Brittany.

I procrastinated on homework. Played video games way too much. Had habits I'm far from proud of. Many Sundays I went to church only because I knew it mattered to her.

She made me a better person than I would have been on my own. That sounds good. But I'm honestly kind of ashamed of it now.

I saw my wife as more mature, more put-together. She made more money. She was a better spiritual leader. She had healthier habits. And because of that, I let her carry the weight I should have been carrying.

She didn't have a ton of respect for me. And I didn't have much for myself.

The reality is, she needed me to step up. She wanted to respect me more. And I needed more self-respect.

It took me way too long to realize that embracing my role as the leader of my family wasn't about dominating or doing everything myself. It was about stepping into responsibility and feeling ultimate ownership of outcomes.

Why 50/50 Doesn't Work

Co-leading sounds nice. But how exactly do you each take 50%? How many companies have two CEOs? How many teams have co-head coaches?

Here's the problem with the 50/50 myth: when more than one person feels ultimate ownership, neither do.

Culture also seems to tell us that "fair" means splitting every responsibility evenly. Both parents should own half the finances. Both should own half the family scheduling, etc. That's not realistic, and it's not how great teams function.

Great teams play to strengths, cover gaps, and flex when needed. They clarify who owns what, then trust that things are covered.

Trying to split every task 50/50 isn’t possible and trying to do so creates frustration and scorekeeping.

Without clarity, both parents end up stretched thin. Both feeling unseen. Both competing and keeping score. Resentment quietly builds.

This isn't about rigid stereotypes. Every family looks different. Clarity about "who owns what" eliminates resentment.

Your Family Needs a Leadership Team

Think about the best organizations you know. They have a leadership team—a CEO who owns outcomes and a COO (or executive team) who helps execute. When they're aligned, the organization thrives. When they're not, everything suffers.

Your family works the same way.

You and your wife are the leadership team of your home. And just like at work, unity at the top changes everything.

Here's what I've learned: I need to feel ultimate responsibility for my family's direction and outcomes.

If something slips through the cracks, if there's drift in the culture, if things start falling apart, it's not on my wife, my kids, or our circumstances. It's on me.

That sounds heavy because responsibility is heavy. But fathers were designed to carry that weight.

This isn't about control or doing everything yourself. It's about ownership. CEOs share the credit when things go well. They take the blame when things fall apart.

The same applies at home.

Your role as the "CEO" of your home means:

• You set vision and guard the culture
• You make sure your family is provided for and protected
• You're accountable for the family's direction
• You make final calls when needed—but with humility, not dominance

Your wife—the "COO"—is your critical partner in making that vision real. She's your co-leader with a different portfolio. She brings wisdom, stability, execution, and perspective you don't have.

In many homes, she has sharper instincts for daily rhythms, emotional undercurrents, and relational dynamics. She notices things you might miss.

When my wife and I are aligned as a leadership team, everything changes. We're not competing or keeping score. We're pulling in the same direction, united in mission.

The Late-Night Conversation

A few years ago, I was sitting at my desk late one evening, reviewing our investment accounts and thinking through our long-term financial picture. The house was quiet, everyone already in bed.

I finally closed my laptop and headed upstairs. Brittany was already in bed, but not asleep. She looked exhausted.

"Long day?" I asked.

"Yeah," she said. "I finally got Finley to finish her piano practice. Dillon always whines about memorizing his Bible verse. Ellie has friend drama. And I'm still trying to figure out how we're going to get Carter to his evening practice given Ellie's game and Dillon's practice at the same time."

I nodded, feeling a twinge of guilt. I'd been following directions from Brittany all week about where to be and when. But while she'd been managing the chaos at home, I'd been thinking about work challenges and what I considered "big picture" stuff.

Part of me thought: I'm working hard on the big picture and making sure the family is provided for. Doesn't that count for something?

I didn't say it. But I was thinking it.

What I didn't realize in that moment was that Brittany was thinking something similar. She saw me getting to leave every day for the office. She knew I worked hard and carried burdens, but she didn't always know what that looked like. And when she was drowning in the daily details—permission slips, doctor's appointments, teacher emails, all the driving—it was easy for her to feel like I was doing my own thing while she carried the load.

The truth is, we were both carrying heavy loads. Just different ones.

We were a great team. But because our responsibilities were so different, it was easy to feel unseen and under-appreciated. And if we weren't intentional about communicating and vocalizing appreciation for each other, resentment would quietly build.

That's why role clarity matters so much.

What Makes Healthy Teams

The best leadership teams (at work and at home) share a few characteristics:

They're united in mission. They know where they're going and why it matters.

They have healthy conflict. The absence of conflict isn't a sign of health, it's avoidance. Great teams disagree while trusting each other's intentions.

They have clear roles. Everyone knows their lane. That doesn't mean rigid rules, but it does mean clarity about who owns what.

They refuse to compete. They don't keep score against each other. They keep score together.

They communicate gratitude. Even with clear roles, it's easy to feel unseen if you're not intentionally vocalizing appreciation for the load your spouse carries.

When Brittany and I talk through our roles and responsibilities, we make sure:

• Nothing important is slipping through the cracks
• All the most important priorities are covered
• We can identify imbalances where one of us can offer to flex and help the other
• We better see and appreciate the load the other is carrying

These conversations don't always come easy or feel natural, but they eliminate tension before it builds.

A Simple Tool: The "Who Owns What?" Conversation

If you're ready to have this conversation with your wife, here's a simple way to start:

Start with curiosity and just listen. Ask open-ended questions:

• "What do you think we're each best at?"
• "Where do you feel most stretched?"
• "Where can I lean in to make your life a bit easier?"

Clarity doesn't happen overnight. But it starts with one honest conversation.

Lead Yourself First

To lead your family well, you need alignment with your wife. Many wives are thrilled to see their husbands step up, lean in, and take ownership of the things that matter most in the family. For others, it takes time for her to see and completely trust your intentions.

Your job right now isn't to get her full buy-in. Your job is to lead yourself first.

Focus on what you can control: your own transformation. When she sees genuine intention, steady follow-through, and real growth, natural trust follows.

I've seen it with other dads and experienced it myself. Wives who were skeptical at first become the biggest champions once they see their husband is serious about change. But that didn't happen because he pushed harder. It happened because he stayed consistent and earned trust over time.

So if she's hesitant, don't get discouraged. Don't force it. And don't wait for permission to start leading yourself and your kids well.

Lead yourself first. Keep showing up. Trust grows in the showing, not the telling.

Your Family Is Your Most Important Organization

You lead teams at work with clarity. You have vision, strategy, roles, goals, and accountability.

Your family needs the same thing.

When you and your wife are aligned as a leadership team, when you know your lanes, appreciate each other's load, and move in the same direction, everything changes.

Your kids don't just hear about teamwork. They see it modeled every day in the way you and your wife work together.

That's the foundation everything else is built on.

Want to see where alignment is missing in your home?

​[Take the 2-Minute Family Health Assessment →]​

It's a quick 10-question self-assessment that shows you exactly where you stand and where to focus next.

P.S. I know that husband and wife roles in the home is a topic that has baggage for many. What did you think about this? Shoot me a note and let me know—andrew@fam-lead.com.