You kids are so ungrateful

You kids are so ungrateful!

That's a phrase I remember hearing growing up. It was probably true in almost every case.

As my four kids get older, I'm better understanding the emotion behind my parents saying that.

My ancestry includes WWII immigrants from the Netherlands. After the war, my maternal grandfather came to the US with his brother and little else. Life has changed dramatically in a couple short generations, and it's hard not to contrast the difficulties he experienced with the relative ease of life that we have today.

That all leads me to some recent news that Brittany and I shared with the kids.

The Announcement

I've been doing work in Africa for over a decade now. That's included over a dozen trips with some incredible experiences. A couple years ago I was able to take my oldest son Carter (photo above). It was a trip that truly changed him. But I'd never been able to take the whole family.

There was an opportunity to make that happen this year. For months, we'd been putting details together, coordinating schedules, figuring out logistics, and waiting for the right moment to share. Brittany and I were genuinely excited to see their reactions.

We told them during dinner. We'd go to Holland first, visit where my grandparents are from, see family there, learn more about their heritage. Then we'd head to Africa. A big international trip of a lifetime.

The response was... underwhelming.

The Reaction

The teenagers responded first.

"How long will we be gone? Sounds like half our summer." (It's not)

"How long are the flights and what about the food?"

Concern and complaints right away.

The younger two were more positive, but still whined: "We're not going until school is out? Why can't we go NOW?"

Brittany and I locked eyes. Pursed lips. Raised eyebrows.

I could feel the heat rising in my chest.

My Emotions

Here's what I was thinking but didn't say:

You ungrateful kids. Do you know what goes into this sort of thing? Do you know how most kids would react to news like this? Maybe Mom and I will just go for a fraction of the price and zero complaining.

I was tempted to take it back. "Maybe we just won't go. Maybe we'll just skip all family vacations this year."

I wanted to shame them into gratitude. "Do you know how lucky you are?"

I wanted to lecture. "When I was your age..."

But I paused.

As I looked at Brittany, I could sense her emotions swelling as well. Without saying a word to each other, we both decided to ignore their initial responses. We moved the conversation forward. Talked about logistics. Answered questions. Let the energy shift.

And eventually, it did.

What Happened When I Did Nothing

By the end of the meal, the complaints had turned into curiosity. "What will we do there?" (lots), "Will we see animals?" (of course), "Can we bring friends?" (no). The energy shifted.

Then, before we left the table, I said something after my emotions faded. Not out of anger or frustration. Not to shame them. Just matter-of-fact.

"Hey, I know this is big news that you're working through in the moment. But your initial responses weren't great. You can be honest about certain thoughts and questions. But sometimes you need to pause long enough to make sure you're leading with respect and gratitude Just something to think about."

No big lecture. No emotional reaction. Just information.

They understood. They nodded. We moved on.

By bedtime, they were asking more excited questions. The next day, they were telling friends about the trip.

The positive reaction came. Just not according to my expectations.

What I Almost Did Wrong

I was tempted to ruin the situation.

If I'd reacted emotionally in the moment, they'd have gotten defensive, hurt and shamed. The conversation would have emotionally spiraled, and the whole trip would have been tainted before it even started.

I almost made their immature response about my ego.

Kids don't process big news the way adults do. Their brains are still developing. Impulse control, emotional regulation, gratitude—all of that is a work in progress.

We'd been planning this trip for months. They heard about it for the first time thirty seconds ago. Of course their first reaction was surface-level.

First reactions aren't final reactions. Give them time to catch up to where you've already been emotionally.

This doesn't mean their response was acceptable. It just means I shouldn't take it as a final statement of their character.

Don't Take It Personally

As I've reflected, I've realized that my hurt feelings weren't as much about their ingratitude. They were about my need for validation.

I wanted them to recognize my effort. I wanted immediate appreciation. I wanted them to make me feel good about what I was doing for them.

And I'm a guy that writes about this stuff. I've taken the time to define my family's mission and values. One of our family's values is gratitude! And yet my kids respond to the trip of a lifetime with negativity? I'm tempted to really question how that reflects on me as a father.

But making their response about my ego would have been a mistake.

Yes, their initial response needed addressing. But I had to separate my wounded pride from their actual behavior. One required me to regulate myself. The other required calm correction.

The question I had to ask myself: Is my reaction more about their character, or about my feelings?

In this case, it was mostly about my feelings. So I dealt with those internally first. Then, once I was calm, I gave them feedback—not from emotion, but from clarity.

The Leadership Lesson

Everyday situations like these are constantly reminding me of how leadership principles apply at home:

We do what we know is right, regardless of how others respond—especially in the immediate term.

We take in their responses as information, not as personal attacks on our ego or effort.

We regulate ourselves first, then respond from a grounded place when correction is needed.

We can't control how our kids behave or react. We certainly can't expect them to act like adults. But we can control our own response.

Sometimes that means swallowing our pride and ignoring what we don't like in the moment. Sometimes it means offering calm, matter-of-fact feedback once emotions have settled.

What's Next

We leave on the big trip in a few months. I truly have great kids so I tend to expect the best. But I have no idea how they'll respond to all the travel, jetlag, the food and the sensory overload. I have no idea if they'll be grateful the whole time or whiny half the time.

Someday—maybe in ten years, maybe in thirty—they'll look back at that big trip. They'll remember the people they met, the places they saw, the culture they experienced. They'll realize the memories we made and the new perspectives that changed them forever.

But even if they never fully appreciate it all, as leaders, we do the right thing anyways.

-Andrew