Updates... and Brotherhood
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Guys, A lot has been happening the last few weeks. I launched the latest "30 Day Sprint", but this time, I'm working with a group of young husbands. Usually I include systems and frameworks for leading a family with kids. This latest Sprint is focused exclusively on who a family leader is, how great leaders lead and what high level leadership actually does. Going forward, I'll most likely have two different Sprint programs: Leadership Mindset and Leadership Frameworks. Something like that. Next week I'm also launching a group of guys who will be meeting every other week in person. The more guys that I work with, the more I'm learning that deep friendship with other guys is a critical missing piece. Too many guys feel like they're walking the path of family leadership and self-leadership alone. For those that can't join us in person, I'll be sharing the content and discussion topics here. Maybe there's a guy you could share these with and start a discussion. For our first meeting, we're starting with roles and definitions. We're diving right into big, important and for some, controversial questions like:
Let's dig in. What Family Leadership Is (and Isn’t)Before we can lead well, we have to define what leadership actually is. Leadership is a word that gets thrown around constantly. In business. In politics. In the church. In sports. But when it comes to marriage and family, it’s often vague or avoided altogether. So let’s clarify terms. What Is Leadership? Here’s my working definition: Leadership is the responsibility for the success of others, earned through humility and courage. A leader sets direction, models the standard, and creates an environment of trust and safety where people can grow and succeed together. A few important implications flow from that definition:
That's a lot of weight to bear. And yet, those who carry the weight experience deep purpose and fulfillment. Can There Be Co-Leaders?This question comes up a lot: Can a husband and wife co-lead the family? Using the previous definition, both the husband and wife naturally take on responsibility for the success of the family. The question instead is whether a single person should feel ultimately responsibility. Hesitation usually comes from two places:
“50/50 partnership” sounds modern and fair. But it breaks down quickly in real life. How would you each take exactly half of the leadership responsibility? What happens when someone inevitably takes on more than half? Maybe this can work for a season, especially if there's healthy communication. But more often than not, scorekeeping and frustration become inevitable. Resentment can then follow. Instead, I argue that there must be a single leader who is ultimately accountable to outcomes. When more than one person is responsible for ownership, the reality is that neither is. Think about the best organizations and teams that you know. How many companies have two CEOs? How many teams have co-head coaches? Instead, there is a single senior leader along with a leadership team—a CEO who owns outcomes and a COO (or executive team) who helps execute. There is a head coach along with his coaching team. When they're aligned, the team thrives. When they're not, everything suffers. Great teams have a single leader that feels ultimately accountable and responsible. But the senior leader doesn't do everything and make all the decisions. Instead, he clarifies roles and trusts that everything important is getting taken care of. The team plays to individual strengths, covers gaps, and flexes when needed. I get asked, "Is this true for every family? Do you really think the husband should always lead?" I've yet to encounter a situation where a family wouldn't benefit from the husband feeling ultimately accountable for his family's most important outcomes. This isn't just about efficiency and certain outcomes being achieved. This is about masculine and feminine polarity. This is about earned respect and self-respect. This is about the spiritual and the science behind why the masculine and feminine are attracted to one another in the first place. This isn't about rigid stereotypes. Every marriage works through details differently. But for now, here's the first step. You need to fully embrace your role as leader of your family. Not because you’re better. Not because your wife is incapable. But because responsibility needs a single owner. If something slips through the cracks, if there's drift in the culture, if things start falling apart, it's not on your wife, your kids, or your circumstances. It's on you. That sounds heavy because responsibility is heavy. But you were designed to carry that weight. Avoiding the Extremes: Abdication vs. DominationHealthy family leadership lives on a narrow road, and for every mile of road, there's a mile of ditch on either side. On one side is abdication. On the other is domination. Most marriages slowly drift because a man slips into one of these ditches. Abdication is the more common problem in society today. This is the husband who shrinks back. He avoids conflict. He defers constantly. He lets his wife carry leadership by default, not because she demanded it, but because someone had to. He tells himself he’s being kind, supportive, or “easygoing.” He prides himself on not being controlling. But over time, abdication quietly builds resentment in both the husband and wife. When a man refuses to take responsibility, his wife is forced to carry the mental load. She makes the decisions. She holds the stress. And even if she’s capable, it exhausts her over time. Polarity weakens. Attraction fades. Respect erodes. And eventually, the husband loses respect for himself too. The home may look peaceful on the surface, but underneath there’s stagnation and often quiet resentment. On the other side of the road is domination. This is the man who tries to force leadership. He confuses strength with control. He leads through intimidation, pressure, or emotional withdrawal. It’s “my way or the highway,” even if he dresses it up in religious language or good intentions. Domination might produce short-term compliance, but it destroys trust. A wife may comply outwardly while growing more guarded and resentful inside. Children may obey while emotionally disengaging. Wives and kids carry the mental load and stress that comes from trying to protect themselves from him. Both extremes fail. Real leadership is neither passive nor controlling. The Standard We’re Aiming ForHealthy family leadership requires certain kind of man. Jim Collins, in Good to Great, studied what separated exceptional organizations from average ones. After analyzing strategies, systems, and structures, he landed on one primary factor: the leader. The best organizations aren’t led by the most charismatic or aggressive leaders. They are led by people who combined two traits that rarely coexist: unwavering courage and deep humility. That same combination defines great family leadership. Unwavering courage means you do what’s right even when it’s uncomfortable, slow, or unpopular. It’s the willingness to lead yourself first, to put the needs of your family ahead of your own comfort, and to stay consistent long after motivation fades. It means entering necessary conflict instead of avoiding tension, absorbing pressure so others don’t have to, and staying the course when no one is applauding. Courage looks like steadiness over time. Deep humility is how that resolve is carried. Humility doesn’t mean weakness or self-doubt. It means you don’t lead from ego or insecurity. You’re willing to own mistakes quickly. You don’t need to be right to feel respected. You’re secure enough to listen, to ask for input, and to change course when needed. Humility creates calmness. It lowers defensiveness. It makes leadership feel safe rather than threatening. When these two traits come together, something powerful happens. Courage without humility can turn into domination. Humility without courage can turn into passivity. But when courage and humility are held together, leadership becomes both strong and trustworthy. Levels of Family Leadership: Finding Your Starting PointIt’s helpful to think about leadership as a progression rather than a label. Most men don’t suddenly become strong family leaders. They grow into it over time. Think of these levels as a tool for reflection, not a ranking. Level 1: The Passive BystanderAt this level, a man is largely disengaged or defers leadership entirely. Decisions, schedules, discipline, and direction are handled by his wife or simply drift. He may be physically present but emotionally absent, hiding in work, hobbies, or screens. Hidden secrets and addictive behavior has led to shame and sapped his initiative. He's physically around, brings home a paycheck and obeys his wife, but not much else. Level 2: The Well-Meaning ManagerHere, a man takes ownership of certain responsibilities (finances, projects, logistics) but lacks overarching direction. He’s reactive rather than proactive. He cares deeply about his family but avoids hard conversations and doesn’t initiate meaningful communication. He half-jokingly says things like "happy wife, happy life". Conflict is unhealthy or usually avoided altogether. His wife may trust him in some areas but not fully look to him for leadership. Level 3: The Emerging LeaderThis is the turning point. A man begins leading himself intentionally and taking initiative at home. He starts addressing habits that undermine trust and credibility, communicates more clearly, and begins casting vision. Leadership capital grows because his words and actions start aligning. There are still missteps, but he no longer shrinks back. Level 4: The Trusted CaptainAt this level, leadership is consistent. His wife trusts his judgment because he’s proven himself steady, humble, and committed to the good of the family. Roles are clearer. Conflict is no longer avoided and handled more productively. The home has direction, warmth, and momentum. He is the undisputed leader, and his leadership feels safe rather than heavy. Level 5: The Legacy LeaderThis is the long-term vision. Leadership capital is high because character is proven. His family would follow him anywhere. His marriage is marked by strong polarity, leading to intense sexual attraction and passion. He's able to quickly and clearly communicate his personal boundaries. His children benefit from clarity, warmth, and example. This is the man who leads with depth, develops others, and builds a legacy that will impact generations to come. Direction, Not PerfectionLeadership at home is a journey you take step by step. You don't try to skip levels. You take intentional steps to climb out of the ditch without overcorrecting into the the other ditch. This is where wisdom comes in and this is where the value of coaching and brotherhood shines. Change can start with a moment of clarity. Next comes the plan for slowly building up your leadership over time. Let's journey together. Key Ideas
Reflection & Application
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