The 5:1 ratio that can change your family

Some evenings, you can just feel it.

The tension. The short answers. The sighs at the dinner table. Nobody’s yelling, but nobody’s smiling either. The house feels heavy, like the joy got quietly sucked out.

That was the top issue on our family’s “issues list” earlier this year. We labeled it: Negativity, 5:1 ratio.

It’s that general feeling that hangs in the air when at least a couple of us are in a bad mood. We’re short with each other. We’re not talking much, and when we do, it’s mostly complaining. There’s far more criticism than encouragement. A cold feeling instead of warmth. An absence of joy.

Sometimes we justify it by saying, “We’re just being real.” We don’t want to fake smiles and force encouragement, right? But I’ve learned that having a positive, life-giving family culture doesn’t mean there’s never tension or conflict. That’s real life. The key isn’t eliminating negativity. It’s balancing the ratio.

That’s where the 5:1 ratio comes in.

Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman found that the strongest marriages share about five positive interactions for every one negative. It’s not about pretending conflict doesn’t exist; it’s about making sure encouragement, gratitude, and laughter vastly outweigh the tension. Psychologist Barbara Fredrickson found a similar pattern in teams and friendships: people flourish when positivity outweighs negativity by about three to one.

I like that picture for families too. It gives us something practical to aim for. I’d like my home to move closer to that 5:1 ratio. And as the leader, that starts with me.

Culture: What We Say and What We Do

Every family has a culture, whether you’ve defined it or not. It’s the feel of your home—the atmosphere people sense when they walk through the door.

It’s how you talk to each other under stress, the tone at the dinner table, the laughter (or lack of it) in the car on the way to school. It’s what gets celebrated, tolerated, or ignored.

Just like at work, it’s less about inspirational words on a wall and more about what we model when nobody’s watching.

Picture two homes.

In the first, kids are greeted with eye contact, a side hug and a simple “How was your day?” Dinner is chaotic but full of laughter. There’s structure and discipline but it's all wrapped in encouragement. You can feel that they actually enjoy being together.

In the second, the house looks just as nice, but the air feels different. Conversations are short and transactional. Criticism and complaining outweighs gratitude. Everyone feels busy and reactive with individuals focused more on their own lives than each other. The family lives under one roof but functions more like roommates than a team.

Most of us live somewhere in between.

Shaping the Culture on Purpose

Start small. Ask yourself:

• What words describe the feel of our home most evenings?
• What tone do my kids hear from me most—correction or encouragement?
• Who tends to set the mood in our family, and what mood are they setting?
• When are we at our best, and what words describe those moments—warm, playful, respectful, generous?
• How can I reinforce more of those positive moments this week?

Just like everything in life, what doesn't get attention naturally drifts towards disorder and chaos. Left alone, your culture drifts towards screens filling downtime, busyness replacing real connection, sarcasm more often than encouragement. Positivity takes intention.

You don’t need to overhaul everything overnight. Just start tipping the ratio.

The 5:1 Challenge

Your kids are incredibly attuned to your mood and the example you set in your home. For better or worse, leaders have profound influence and set the example that others follow.

This week, try a simple experiment. Observe your family's interactions. Make a mental note of the positive and uplifting moments vs. the negative or critical ones. What's the ratio?

Now, focus on adding in more of the positive, which tends to then crowd out the negative. Think small and simple. It might be a compliment. A genuine thank you. A few seconds of real eye contact. An encouraging text. A laugh at bedtime. A hug and “I love you" before bed.

Culture isn’t built by grand gestures. It’s shaped through thousands of small, consistent ones.

Force it when you don't feel like it. As leader, you don't follow your feelings. You do what you know is right. The feelings come later and those things you know you should do start to feel more natural over time. These are the rules of basic habit building and they apply here as well.

The best families don’t have perfect cultures, they have intentional ones. Start tipping the ratio.

-Andrew