My wife and I scored our family 20 points apart

Many fathers are drawn to my program because of the fun and inspiring projects. Defining your family's mission and values. Casting a vision for the kind of people you want your kids to become. Creating rites of passage and core memories.

That's the part most men want to jump to. You could carve out a weekend and get it all on paper. But without a proper foundation underneath, it becomes a one-time project that never holds and gets forgotten.

You can cast a vision to a wife who's quietly anxious about money or the kids' screen time, and what she hears is a man who's out of touch. Nobody dreams about ten years out when they're stressed about this week.

So the work happens in order. Leading yourself first, since you can't lead from an empty tank. Next, the daily and weekly rhythms that make sure the family is connecting deeply and consistently. Along the way, you find at least one other guy who's on the journey with you. Then, before any of the vision work, you make sure the house is stable enough to build on.

The Stability step is all about one question. Do your wife and kids feel safe and secure?

That's the step I'm in with a group of guys right now. When I first took the assessment myself, it was eye opening.

How it works

The Stability Assessment has two versions. You take one. Your wife takes the other. The questions cover three domains.

Provision. Does the family have what it needs financially, and can everyone see it?

Protection. Is what you have safe? Physical, digital, and environmental.

Steadiness. Do you create emotional safety? Do they relax in your presence, or read your mood first?

The husband's assessment asks about facts. Is the will current, and would she know what to do if something happened to you? Are there boundaries around screens that actually get enforced? Do you know the families your kids spend time with?

Hers asks about her experience. Is money a consistent source of worry? When she brings up a safety concern, how does he respond? In a crisis, is he a steadying force?

Neither his score nor her score means much alone. The difference says the most.

When Brittany and I took it, we came out about twenty percentage points apart.

Where I was most confident

My background is in finance, and Brittany has always left the big-picture stuff to me. Across twenty years of marriage we've built a solid foundation.

And then I worked through the Provision questions and had to acknowledge some gaps. Our will and estate plan has needed updating and I'd been putting it off. And I'd never assembled a document I could hand her with everything she'd need if something happened to me.

I knocked down my score given those gaps. And still, Brittany's scored me even lower.

That led to some important conversations about how each of us reads our finances. Brittany feels stable when our income is steady and above a certain number. I tend to look at assets and investment balances.

Neither of us is wrong. We're just measuring different things.

Where we came out even

In the Protection domain our scores were close.

We're largely in agreement about screens and phones in our house, how we handle what the kids are around, and the physical safety side.

There have been times when she brought concerns to me and I was dismissive. That pulled her score down some, and again, it led to a good conversation.

The one that stung

Steadiness is the third area, and it's the most important.

One question asked whether I absorb my family's stress without adding to it. Whether they end up managing me on top of whatever they're already dealing with.

Another asked whether my family relaxes when I walk in the door, or tenses up instead.

Our scores didn't agree.

It's been a heavy stretch. Pressure at work, some hard things at home. I thought I was containing it well. Brittany didn't have huge complaints, but her scores told me it had been spilling onto my family more than I realized.

The two things that have to be true

There's a reason this assessment has two versions.

You have to actually be providing it. And they have to feel it.

A man can check off every box in his own head and still have a family that isn't relaxing.

When I had to confront our differences, I first assumed I just needed to explain the facts. She must not know what I know. I shared a few things she wasn't aware of, and that was good. But she also had feelings and perspectives I needed to be aware of.

A low score from her means it isn't being felt, no matter how good the facts are. A high score from her doesn't mean it's built. She may feel secure simply because she's unaware of the gaps.

What I'm doing about it

I built a financial document with all the details and instructions if something ever happens to me. We worked through the decisions needed to update the will and estate plan. I'm better protecting family time on my schedule, and when she brings me a safety concern, I'm taking it seriously the first time.

Those are things I'm building, and they're entirely in my control.

If you want to try this

You don't need my assessment today. There's probably a short list of things you've been putting off that you know would put your wife at ease. Start there.

Then three questions. Ask your wife to score each from one to ten.

Money is rarely a source of worry or stress for me.
I feel like our family is protected, physically and digitally.
When he walks in the door, I relax.

Then two rules.

Don't defend. If she says she's anxious about money and you answer with the facts, you just taught her that an honest answer starts an argument. You might feel the numbers are entirely on your side. It doesn't matter. You asked what she feels.

Don't fix it. Not immediately. You'll want to offer a solution right away to make the discomfort stop. Resist it. The only promise you're allowed to make is that you'll think about it and come back with a plan.

Ask the question. Then listen.

-Andrew