What I learned after filling out my own scorecard again

Recently, I sat down and filled out the “Family Leadership Scorecard”.

I've been sending it to other men for months. It’s 12 questions, about five minutes, and gives an honest overview of where your family actually sits. I run it on myself every few months as part of a quarterly review, and I do the same thing with the guys I work with.

My lowest number came back on family connection.

Summer has given opportunity for vacations and creating great memories, but it's also disrupted our normal routines. Dinners as a family aren’t happening consistently. Family meetings get postponed and then skipped.

I’m the guy that preaches about the importance of rhythms like these. I hadn't just let them slip. Some weeks, they’d disappeared completely.

The scorecard also asks what you want to be different a year from now. We’ve got less than two years before my oldest graduates, so my answer is more consistent time together as a whole family. And I want that time to feel positive rather than feeling frustrated and short with each other.

Next, the part that actually matters - bringing Brittany into the conversation and making a plan. I could have her fill out the scorecard as well and compare results, but that’s not really her thing. She’s happy to just have the conversation, talk through what we want to do about it, and then sort out how we’ll work together to make this happen. Eating together more often can sound simple, but with a family of six and competing schedules, it requires plenty of intentional, team effort.

Like the other guys I work with, my family isn't in crisis. And that’s the point. Crisis creates pain, which leads to action. Sometimes being “fine” is the worst state to be in. Not bad enough to do anything about it but also not where we could be.

Over the last couple years I’ve spent hundreds of hours with dads like you. These are guys running companies and teams, whose calendars are full, who have created comfortable lives for their families, whose kids are fine, and whose wives would say things are pretty good.

And yet, “pretty good” doesn't feel quite right.

Here's what guys like you actually say once the conversation gets real.

#1 There's no scoreboard at home.

A couple weeks ago I got on a call with a guy who resonated with some things I’d written about, and he was ready to do something about it. Mid-discussion, he pulled up a work dashboard. It was a few weeks into July and he was already more than halfway to his Q3 goal.

And yet, he had no idea how to feel about his wife and two kids. There wasn’t any sort of dashboard he could pull up for his family.

He shared: "I know my family is most important. But if I'm honest, my attention and my schedule tell me that they aren't."

He cared. That's why we were talking.

To be fair, there is never a perfect scoreboard. You can't measure connection. You can't put a number on whether your wife trusts you or whether your son is becoming the man you want him to be.

It's also true at work, where nobody has ever precisely measured company culture. Yet it doesn't stop us from measuring what we can.

You're an achiever. You like doing things well. You want a marriage that’s not just functional but thriving. You want kids who grow into adults you admire and you actually want to be around. You want them talking someday about how intentional their dad was.

You double down where you feel competent. That's how men are built. And competence needs evidence and feedback.

So without anything to look at, you drift toward whatever feels urgent and whatever you're already good at. It's why the laptop opens back up in the evening. It's why the phone comes out at ten while you're lying in bed next to your wife.

#2 Something is eroding and you won't feel the cost for years.

A dad told me about getting back from a two day work trip. He walked in and got a matter-of-fact "Dad's home" from the other room. That was it.

He envisioned a time when his wife would drop what she was doing and hurry over for a kiss, and the kids would come piling in behind her.

Another man described walking through the door after a long day at the office. It used to be eye contact, a hug, a question about how the day went. Now it's not much. He carries real weight at work and shields his family from most of it, which is right. But he wants somewhere soft to land. He wants his home to be the place that gives him rest and where he feels admired and appreciated for the life he's providing.

Instead a coldness has settled in. He and his wife have each sunk into their own roles, doing their jobs, neither one feeling particularly seen.

Then there are the guys with teenagers.

A lot of them built strong connections when the kids were small, and that carried them through ages ten and eleven. Then their kids changed and pulled back, which is what kids naturally do. Suddenly staying connected takes a level of effort it never used to take, at exactly the moment the years get short. A few more summers and they walk out the door.

A dad in one of my groups has a son who just turned fourteen. He told us the thing that keeps him up at night is how many important conversations still haven't happened.

He told us how most of those conversations never happened between him and his own father either. He's committed to building something better than what he got. But he has no baseline for what better looks like. He has four years left and feels the clock ticking.

#3 Nobody knows what's really going on with you.

On another recent call, I asked a guy a simple question. Who in your life knows what’s actually happening with you and holds you to what you say you’re going to do?

He thought about it for a while.

He isn’t lonely. He isn’t isolated or trying to hide anything. There are men that he genuinely respects. He just doesn’t have one guy he’s completely honest with who is completely honest back.

This is the one I keep running into. Most men want it. They nod along the second you describe it. They have friendships that could go deeper and they know it.

They just have no idea how to get there.

What would I even ask him? How do I bring it up without making it weird? If he says yes, what does it look like? Coffee twice a month? A standing call? Are there questions we’re supposed to be asking each other, or do we just talk?

There’s enough friction that it doesn’t move past the idea stage.

Some of you are reading this and thinking you don't need to spend more time with other guys. You just need to go be with your kids. You step it up. That lasts for about a week. No one notices, and no one has permission to hold you to it. Work has commitments, reviews, dashboards, a board, and a boss. Home has your own self-assessment, planning in isolation, and using willpower to try to hold yourself to it.

Where to start

You've seen what a system does at work. I’ve run EOS with my team for over 5 years. It forces us to define our mission, vision and values and then actually revisit them. It sets a cadence for meetings. It surfaces the real issues instead of letting them sit. There’s built-in accountability along with a scorecard that tells us whether we're on track.

You can't run a family exactly like a business. But most of those ideas transfer, and what they add up to is intentional family leadership.

That's what I'm building with other men.

It all starts with taking an honest look at where you are today and then making the decision to actually do something about it. As I shared before, being “fine” can be the most difficult position to move from.

One thing I've noticed. Almost every guy guesses wrong about which area is his actual weak link. One came in convinced he was failing everywhere and turned out to be doing better than he thought. Another scored himself high on nearly everything, then after a little more reflection, realized that his family leadership hadn't really been a priority.

The guessing is the expensive part. Not the failing but instead, not even knowing where you stand.

So put a number to it. Twelve questions, about five minutes, a look at seven areas. You get your results right away.

​Take the scorecard here.​

There's an optional step at the end where you add your email. Take it. That sends your results to me and I'll follow up with a few more insights on what they mean.

That step matters, because it moves you from assessing yourself to getting another man's eyes on it, which is everything I just described.

Some guys start there and then want to take action. The next group starts September 1. Five men, and a couple of seats are still open. Reply to this email, and I'll tell you straight whether it's a fit.

My lowest number this quarter was family connection. I'm not writing this telling you I’ve perfected anything. I’m just part of a group of men who are committed to knowing where things stand and are then doing something about it. If you aren’t already, I’d love for you to join us.

Keep leading.

-Andrew

P.S. I would deeply appreciate you helping me spread the word. If a specific guy came to mind while you were reading this, forward it to him.