Men are struggling

You can sense it in shallow conversations that never really get honest. You see it in the faces of men sitting in traffic, walking through airport terminals, and scrolling in bed late at night, wondering if this is really what it’s all for. Men are struggling.

We’ve all seen the data. Depression rates are up. A record number of men say they have no close friends. Men kill themselves at four times the rate of women.

Young men are checking out of school, work, and relationships at record rates. There’s even a term for it: MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way).

Even among high performers, there’s a gnawing sense that something’s off, something’s missing.

What used to be something of a taboo subject is now being widely talked about from all sides. Even though the data has pointed to this reality for a while now, there was hesitation in pointing it out for years. Why? Some said that it betrayed the feminist movement that they felt had made so much positive progress over the years. But that’s always been the primary fault of the feminist movement—this zero-sum mentality that pits men against women.

Fortunately, both sides are now realizing that women don’t succeed when men struggle or vice versa. Men and women are closely linked. Women don’t thrive when men are lost, passive, or absent. And men don’t thrive when women are disconnected, overburdened, or carrying the emotional weight alone.

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Society is sedating us

Men of all ages are struggling. This includes our boys and young men. Figures like Andrew Tate and Nick Fuentes have gained massive followings by properly noticing and diagnosing the problem. But they’re offering poison as the cure.

Society, meanwhile, sedates us. Alcohol quiets the nagging thoughts. Porn serves as a substitute for becoming the man that attracts a beautiful wife. Chasing money and promotions is a placeholder for mission and purpose. Consumerism is the scorecard for success instead of what’s truly valuable: real relationships.

The symptoms of the problem are addiction, boredom, burnout, and isolation. The sedatives are substances, “online communities,” porn, video games, and consumerism.

But the real issue runs deeper.

It’s the absence of mission and purpose.

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Work feels like purpose

Most men find their first taste of purpose through work. That’s not a bad thing. Work can be sacred. It gives structure and direction, a place to strive and grow, a way to serve and provide. At its best, work allows us to express the image of God through creation, problem-solving, and leadership.

But for a lot of us, it also becomes the only place we feel competent. The place we win.

We say it’s for the family—the long hours, the late-night emails, the travel. And in many ways, it is. But for most of us, there comes a point when our families have enough money and not enough of us.

We don’t notice the imbalance right away. It creeps in.
First the time. Then the energy. Then the mental space.
And soon, work has become not just what we do, but who we are.

It’s subtle. It’s slow. And it’s socially rewarded every step of the way.

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How we get stuck

So how do we get stuck in this loop?

Work gives us something home rarely does: a scoreboard. At work, progress is measurable. You know if you’re winning. The feedback is constant and public: quarterly revenue, title, promotions, performance reviews.

At home, there’s no quarterly report for presence. No metric for patience. No chart for emotional availability.

And when you can’t measure something, it’s easy to assume it’s fine… until it isn’t. Until the distance grows. Until your wife’s tone shifts. Until your kids start talking to Mom more than you. Until it starts to feel like you’re living your life, consumed by work, while your family is living a separate life that you actually know little about.

The work scoreboard becomes the only one that tells us who we are and how we’re doing. But it’s an endless game and never truly satisfies. The scoreboard never declares a winner. There’s always another quarter. Another competitor. Someone else who has more, who is doing more, who has accomplished things that we haven’t yet.

As Jim Carrey once said, “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.”

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Status and wounds

What does this career scoreboard do for us? We get affirmation in the form of titles, recognition, and status.

We get attention and respect. Know of any guys who’ve had affairs with a coworker? It’s usually not because she’s more physically attractive than his wife. It’s because of the attention and respect that she gave him.

Maybe we’ve been wired (maybe wounded) to seek approval from fathers who weren’t always present or affirming. They were never proud of us for who we were, only what we accomplished. So we try to prove ourselves in the only arena that keeps score. Maybe he’ll see the social media update with my new title. He’ll notice the vacation home and the new boat.

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A better game

Men need a game to play, a mission to accomplish, a battle to fight. That’s how we’re wired. Work gives us one, but it’s not the one that ultimately satisfies.

The real battle is at home. It’s against isolation, distraction, drift, and a culture that wants to define masculinity as either toxic or without responsibility. It’s the fight to lead with love, to stay engaged, and to build something that lasts beyond our careers.

I’ve lived both sides of it.

In my twenties, I chased every marker of professional success: long hours, frequent travel, promotions, and consistent pay increases. I told myself it was all for my family, and in many ways, it was. That drive built a foundation of stability that gave us options later. But if I’m honest, it also fed my ego.

A decade ago, I made a change. I took a 70% pay cut. Traded travel for time. Traded ambition for values alignment. People thought I was crazy. But I finally felt free.

Now I do work that matters deeply to me, but it’s not my mission. My purpose is God and family. My mission is my marriage, my kids, and the men I get to walk alongside.

The reward is infinitely better.

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Switch your fuel

This isn’t an anti-hustle message. There’s a season for everything.

In your twenties, especially before marriage and kids, lean into your competitive drive. Work long hours. Build your skills. Take risks. Save money. Build the foundation that will give you freedom later.

But don’t let that become your identity. Because the harder you lean into it, the harder it can be to switch to a different one when the time comes.

When you reach your thirties and forties, the mission changes. The scoreboard changes. The measure of success changes. The question becomes: can you switch your fuel source?

Dads, be driven by what you know actually matters most and will lead to true satisfaction. Abandon status games and comparison with others. The highest form of status is to rise above the status game entirely.

Let purpose, not status, drive you. The world measures success in professional achievements. Your family measures it in attention.

That’s the scoreboard that matters most.

-Andrew