I paid $75 for a program I never finished

I paid $75 for a 30-day self-improvement program built for working dads.

I tend to dislike spending money. That means I usually go for the free or low cost thing I can implement myself. It also means that when I actually do spend money, it hurts a little.

The $75 stung enough to make sure I got started. But I didn't do the program with anyone, and I didn't tell anyone I was doing it.

I never finished it. Nothing stuck.

It prescribed all the good and expected things. Wake up early. Drink water. Reading and prayer/meditation. Work out. Eat clean. Recreation and hobbies. Journaling. And then the things to cut. Caffeine, alcohol, sugar.

And somewhere near the bottom, find a few minutes each evening to spend with your family.

These aren't bad things. I already do a lot of them and benefit from them. The problem wasn't any single item on the list. The problem was that a large list got handed to me and to every other guy who bought it. It didn't know me. It didn't know my situation, what season I was in, or what was actually happening at work and at home.

It handed me a big list instead of helping me find the handful of things I could actually stick to and that would give me outsized returns.

I like doing difficult things. Overcoming challenge is one of the most fulfilling parts of being a man. The enemy isn't difficulty. The enemy is complexity. You don't need a less challenging life. You need a shorter list of the most important, still difficult things.

But complexity was only half of why it failed, and honestly it's the smaller half. The bigger reason is that nobody who cared knew I was doing it.

I know this because years ago I paid $100 for a 90 day workout program. It came recommended from a colleague, and I told him when I bought it. I took a before picture. Along the way he'd ask how it was going, more out of curiosity than any real accountability.

That was enough. I didn't want to feel like a failure, and I really didn't want to look like one to him.

It was hard. But I knew exactly what I was supposed to do each day, I started at the same time every morning, and I knew I'd be done in under an hour. I finished it, and the habit stuck.

Two programs. One was simpler while still challenging. One I told somebody about and one I didn't. Only one of them worked.

So here's the program I've landed on.

A short list. Not a dozen things. Chosen for where I actually am right now, and representing the next meaningful step. Said out loud to like-minded men who each have their own list. Then we report our wins and losses.

For me and the guys I do this with, we start with a couple of categories.

Self-leadership. What do I need to do to lead myself better? For me, my morning routine is dialed in. It's the evening where I go off the rails. That's when I should be connecting with my family and setting up a good night's sleep, and instead I default to screens and snacking. So my thing is simple. Once 7pm hits, no more eating and the phone goes on the charger until morning.

Family connection. What has to happen daily for me to deepen my connection and influence at home? At least five minutes of undistracted one-on-one time with each person in my family. Usually it's more, but five is the floor. Bedtime with the youngest is the most reliable. With the teens it's trickier, and a car ride or a walk with a few open-ended questions is my go-to. With Brittany, it's a few questions in the evening that aren't about the schedule.

Next month I'm running this with another small group of men.

It starts September 1 and runs 90 days. The first 30 are an intensive with weekly calls with me and a few minutes of daily content. After that, group calls every other week to keep it going.

We’ll work to build your own short list, specific to where you actually are, and then report on it to men doing the same. It's for guys with kids still at home who aren't in crisis but want to keep taking the next step on the path from good to great.

Email andrew@fam-lead.com, and I'll tell you quickly whether it's a fit.

-Andrew