I'm worried about how we're handling screens with our kids

When my kids are zoned out on a screen, they're not loud. They're not complaining. They're not making a mess or doing something that could end with a trip to the emergency room.

We can hand our kids a screen and finish what we're doing, get our work done, or even zone out on our own screen.

Screens make everything easier in the short run. The problem, of course, is the long-term tradeoff we're making.

When our oldest was born in 2010, smartphones were still becoming mainstream, and social media and YouTube weren't what they are now. We had to be careful about cartoon time and just generally not having the TV on much.

As my kids got older, it started going something like this.

"Hey, how long have you been watching that?"

"I don't know."

"Turn it off and go do something else."

"But dad, let me finish what I'm watching."

"Fine. Five minutes."

Ten minutes later it's still on. Then I get upset and threaten. Now it's off and someone's complaining that they're bored. Later on, two kids are back in front of the TV, fighting over who gets to watch what.

I hated it. We could have decided to be a screen-free house. We didn't. So I did what I do. I built a system around it.

Brittany and I had upgraded phones over the years and had old ones sitting in a drawer. Each kid got one. No phone number, just a dumbed-down smartphone with parental software that set daily limits and content restrictions. No social media and no internet browser. Each kid was responsible for their own device and for budgeting their own time.

No more nagging. No more fighting over who picks the show. The system worked, in the sense that it did what I designed it to do.

When kids are young, we don't rely on them to make good choices. We control them in order to protect them. That's what we should do, and it's a hard enough job on its own. The system I just described is how I controlled things in order to protect them.

So why don't I feel great about it now?

Everyone having their own device meant no more fighting over the remote, but it also took away the chance for them to learn to share and negotiate. It meant I'd come home and find multiple kids off in their own space, on their own screen, watching their own thing. We had content blockers and controls, but individual devices mean more privacy, and you can never fully guarantee that questionable content and influences aren't slipping through. And the whole thing quietly treated all screen time as equal, when we all know an educational documentary and an hour of scrolling shorts are not the same activity.

My approach was far better than handing them free access. But the cracks showed over time.

Here's the bigger reason I don't feel great about it now. My system was built to protect them through control. The harder job, the one I feel behind on, is shifting from control to influence as they age.

My oldest is 16. She's about two years from a dorm room or an apartment where nobody limits her screen time, the apps she downloads, or the content she sees. My restrictions are going to end whether I plan for it or not. The real question is which ones need to evolve now instead of ending abruptly the day she leaves.

Kids need the freedom to fail in age-appropriate ways while the stakes are still low. That's how they learn. At the same time, we can't expose them to adult-level risk while they're still children. Most fathers would nod at both of those sentences. The difficulty is what they actually look like in the specific rules you set for a specific kid.

Here's my goal. To raise kids who were protected when they were too young to choose well, who understand that what they take in shapes them, and who can put the thing down on their own when no one is there to make them.

What I'm learning is that there's no perfect system for that. On one end, I admire screen-free families, and up to a certain age no screens is simply the right call. But we don't live in a screen-free world, and I wonder how an 18- or 22-year-old learns to self-regulate if he never had to practice growing up.

I worry more about the other end. A father who hands a child a device with no limits and full access to the internet isn't making a parenting choice. That's negligence.

The road between those two ditches is the hard one. Kids need age-appropriate limits. But the limits have to be paired with relationship, and they have to change over time. Most of all, kids eventually need to understand why the rules exist, and they need to be able to govern themselves by the time the rules are gone. I've never found a system optimized for that middle road.

Writing this has shown me gaps in my own approach. My family has real work to do here. But this was never something you finish. It's something you keep questioning, considering and adjusting.

So here's what I've actually landed on, even with the work left to do.

There are lines I hold no matter my kids' ages.

Blockers and accountability software on every device.

No screens at the table.

No screens in private or locked spaces. No bedrooms, no bathrooms.

No social media before 18.

And real downtime, every day and every week. Ours is overnight, plus no technology on Sundays. Ask your kids how they feel after a day off screens. Mine say it feels good to be off, even though it's also fun to get back on.

Then there's the part that has to slowly replace the controls.

There are things I won't let my kids watch alone, but I'll watch them with them. I ask questions and we process together. What did you take from that? What do you think that show might be teaching? The same show can point a kid one direction or the exact opposite direction depending on what he pulls out of it, and I don't get to know which unless we talk about it.

You can't just build taller walls. You need to peek over the wall together before they leave and the wall comes down.

Earlier this year we watched an episode of The Diary of a CEO about how short-form video rewires a developing brain. It was drier than anything my kids would pick on their own, but they watched it anyway. Then we talked about "brainrot," why the next video starts before you've finished the last one, and who makes money every time it does. I asked them how they feel after too long in front of a screen.

That conversation did something that controls and limits can't.

You have to have non-negotiables. Protecting your family in the digital world is your job, and if you're not doing much, you're not protecting them from one of the largest threats they face. But limits are just the start. Eventually the conversations have to carry what the controls used to.

One more thing, and it might be the one that matters most. My kids are watching how I use my phone far more closely than they're listening to anything I say about theirs. Values and habits are caught more than they're taught. I can build every control and have every conversation, and none of it sticks if they watch me consistently in bed on my phone or distracted on Sundays. My hypocrisy is louder than my rules.

This post is more about my family than about yours. I don't have it all figured out. I'm not sure any father does.

But don't mistake that for permission to coast. The dad who's winning is the one taking seriously his responsibility to both protect his kids and also create spaces where they can develop. If that's you, you're already leading. Now keep adjusting.

Go look at what you've put in place. Talk about it with other dads like us that are all thinking about the same things.

And keep having the conversations with your kids that no system can replace.

Keep leading.

-Andrew

P.S. Screens are part of one of seven areas that determine how well you're leading your family. I built a quick scorecard that shows you where you stand across all seven. Twelve questions, about five minutes, no email required. You'll get your results right away, and if you want, submit them and I'll send you practical next steps. Click here to check it out.