I'm raising my daughter to prioritize family over career

Recently I took my 16 year old daughter out. Over lunch we talked about how she'll be graduating in less than two years. I asked lots of open-ended questions, leading with genuine curiosity about what she's thinking about (and what she isn't).

The conversation ended up focusing mostly on her desire to be a wife and mom.

There's never been one proven path for everyone. But for a long time, college was close to a sure bet. You went, you graduated, and you came out with a degree and a social experience that seemed worth the time and the money. That deal has been getting shakier as costs have climbed, degrees seem to mean less, and other variables like AI make everything feel less certain.

So as Ellie and I talked, we didn't presuppose that the big decisions coming around age 18 had to be all around career. We started simpler than that. What do you want life to look like at 25? At 30? At 35? And then, how does work play into that?

Ellie shared that she wants some things that are pretty typical.

She wants a family. She wants to start that family in her twenties. And when she has kids, she doesn't want to work in order to pay someone else to raise them.

Pretty simple. And yet, a lot of young women today aren't orienting their decisions about college and debt and career around a vision like this. I know this is an unpopular thing to say nowadays. But when you really think about it, it’s pretty straightforward. Most women get married. Most have kids. And most moms, especially in those early years, feel a deep pull to be the primary caregiver for their kids. That desire is natural and good.

I'm not saying there's one path for every woman. But Ellie is working through a vision for what she wants, and my job is to help her build toward it with her eyes open.

Ellie has seen the path that Brittany and I took. It wasn't easy, and we've been fortunate along the way. But we worked a plan that made it possible.

Brittany and I both graduated college in 2007, married the summer before our senior year. I had a business degree, which felt worthless as the financial crash hit, and I spent months looking for work. Brittany graduated with a degree in respiratory therapy. Narrow and specific. Degrees like that are risky because they lock you into a particular job. But hers pretty much guaranteed her work right out of school that paid well.

I eventually landed at a small but fast-growing financial software company. Two incomes, no kids. We enjoyed life, but we were also preparing to expand our family. We lived on one income, paid down debt fast, and invested her whole paycheck every month. And I worked hard to learn rapidly, earn advanced certifications and grow my income.

Four years into marriage, we had Ellie. We were 25. By 32, we had our fourth.

Healthcare turned out to be the perfect path for Brittany. It gave her job security right out of school and through every economic cycle since. She could pick up nights and weekends. She dialed her hours back as we had kids and eventually cut all the way down to about one shift a week. She still gets out of the house, keeps her skills sharp, and contributes financially. But she's primarily a steady presence at home, which we both deeply value. Now that our youngest is 9, she's teaching respiratory therapy students and volunteering, thinking about what the next stage looks like as the kids grow.

Ellie and I talked through all of it over sandwiches at Jimmy John's. She said healthcare seems like a good option for her too. The work seems to interest her, and she likes the flexibility it could give her as she starts a family. She'll still invest in her education, get the value from the social experience that college provides but not graduate saddled with debt that forces her to work full time for years to pay off.

She's putting a plan together. And still, it seems a little absurd to expect any teenager to pick a career they'll do for the next 40 years. It worked for Brittany. My business degree gave me the flexibility I've needed, even if it did little to get me hired right out of school. But what does a 16 year old actually know about what a job looks like day to day?

So we sent Ellie to nursing camp. She spent the week building real skills and seeing what an actual day in the life of a nurse is like. She loved it and thinks nursing might be the path. She's still got a couple years to explore other options. We’ll watch for other camps, internships, a part-time job, even a coffee with someone who does the work in fields she’s interested in.

All of this started with a conversation about what Ellie might want most. Her family is going to be the most important thing in her life. So why wouldn't she build a career around that instead of the other way around?

When it comes to my sons, the conversation will be similar in some ways and notably different in others.

I'll tell them to prioritize family too. But for them, that starts with leading their families well. Provision is one responsibility of leadership. That doesn’t mean they have to earn every dollar the household brings in. Brittany has consistently brought in money over the years. But it means that they find a wife that shares their vision and values. Assuming they’re blessed with children and a wife who wants the flexibility to be there with them, they’ll take ownership of making that vision a reality. Living primarily on one income is hard, even if it’s only for a season. Carrying that weight, in work that isn't always glamorous or fun, for decades, is its own kind of sacrifice.

So I'll tell my sons the same order of operations I told Ellie. Start with what you value. Let that vision shape the kind of woman you look for, one who wants to build the same thing. Then work towards it together as a strong team. And strong teams are made up of people with different strengths and perspectives, each desiring and willing to do their part to move the team towards the goal.

As Ellie puts her own plan together, Brittany and I are looking forward to supporting her, and I'm not shy about telling her what we value and why. We stayed close to family when we started having kids, and our parents and grandparents were involved in ways that truly supported us without overstepping or enabling. I hope my kids consider staying near as they start their own families, so we can do for them what was done for us. I want them to launch at 18, and I still want them around. I'm not trying to be my teenagers' buddy right now. But I'm looking forward to the day this turns into a real friendship, when I get to spend time with them as adults, help where it's wanted, and someday have lots of grandkids I'm close to.

None of this is a strict formula, but it’s our story and what we believe. We've watched it work in our own home, and our kids have seen it too. I’m not shy about telling them what I believe because the world is bombarding them with its own messaging. I’m doing my best to model what provision and leadership looks like in our home and then put words to it, at the right time, with each of my kids.

Keep leading.

-Andrew