I fine my kids instead of yelling at them

I get home and walk through the garage. Shoes are scattered everywhere by the door.

I walk inside and see cups and plates on the coffee table. Clothes are draped over the backs of chairs. There are crumbs and food left out on the kitchen counter. It's summer and they've been home all day. I asked for the dishwasher to be unloaded and a couple other simple things to be done before I got home.

Now I'm walking through the house raising my voice, trying to find everyone so I can tell them to get over here and take care of this mess right now.

My first interaction that evening is negative. I'd already had a long and stressful day at work. Now I'm coming home as the bad guy. I'm frustrated. Now they're frustrated. I'm even more frustrated that they're frustrated because it's their fault that I have to be the bad guy.

I love my kids. But honestly, stuff like this makes me like them a little less.

If you're like me, you might struggle with having proper expectations for your kids. I wish they'd just act a certain way without me having to spell out every detail. I want them to obey the spirit of what I'm telling them, the first time I say it. I want them to not only complete their chores, but actually do them the right way, the first time. I just want them to be responsible, kind, honest and grateful. Do I really have to teach them exactly what all of that looks like and spell out precisely what it looks like when they fall short?

I want them to just want to do the right thing. But yeah… they’re kids.

I don't want to excuse bad behavior or let my kids off the hook. But I've realized that in these situations, the problem is me.

My expectations.

My lack of clarity.

My inconsistency.

My mood and the way it guides my parenting in the moment.

Kids need expectations, clearly laid out, with structure, applied consistently. A few years ago, I read a book that completely changed my approach. Here's what all this now looks like in our house with a 9, 10, 13 and 16 year old.

There's a printed sheet for each kid. We reviewed it together, all agreed to it, and then we taped it to the wall, right by the door that leads from the garage into the house. High visibility. The kids walk past it a dozen times per day.

Each sheet has that kid's freedoms, which have expanded as they've gotten older. Also, it has their chores and responsibilities along with the expectations attached to both. And finally, what happens when they fall short.

Next to the 4 sheets is a whiteboard.

For better or worse, my kids care about money. So money is the main tool. Each kid gets a weekly allowance equal to their age. Miss a chore or blow past a boundary or violate something we all agreed to, and we deduct. Usually a dollar or two for minor offenses. It goes on the whiteboard when it happens.

Sunday night at our family meeting, we settle up. And if a kid racked up more in fines than their whole allowance, every dollar past zero is one day without technology.

At my kids' ages, if nobody ever got fined, allowances would run me around $200 a month. It never actually costs that much. But if it did, that would mean four kids hit every expectation for a whole month. That would be money well spent.

I've heard the objections. I'm paying my kids to behave. They should contribute and do their chores without any money attached. I've systematized what should just be a relationship.

Before, the consequence for leaving dishes by the TV was a father who came home and got loud and angry or cold and sarcastic, and whose disappointment hung over the rest of the night. Now the consequence is a couple dollars.

Sure, the ideal is that my kids are perfect little people that always do what they're supposed to. But that's not parenting, is it? Instead, we guide and discipline. We do that through freedoms, responsibilities, expectations and consequences that adjust as they age. Consequences need to be something the kid actually cares about and that you can incrementally apply. Money works for us. There are other approaches. The best consequences for simple issues can be delivered unemotionally and matter-of-factly. Consequences are agreed upon ahead of time and flow naturally when kids miss the mark.

Another bonus from this approach. They each have enough of their own money to budget and learn some basic personal finance.

Some might just hear this as a list of rules. But look at how each one starts. The freedom comes first. The terms come after.

"Go to bed when you'd like. At 10pm, no more technology, food, or loud noises. Violations are a $2 fine."

"We trust you to handle your schoolwork and are available to help if you give us a heads up. If there are any C's on a progress report or report card, no technology until the grade is back up."

"You can eat outside the kitchen. Any food or food trash left out is a $2 fine."

That last one was a recurring issue for us. Now nobody gets nagged, and nobody gets threatened with losing popcorn in front of a movie forever.

High expectations and high support is the frame underneath all of this. We believe you're capable of meeting clear expectations and we're here to support you. And no kid is perfect. When you fall short, here's what happens. Accept the consequence, learn from it, and move on.

I got many of the most practical pieces of this from a book called Feeding the Mouth That Bites You, which is worth your time if you've got teens or pre-teens.

But as I close, I want to stress that systems like this aren't about replacing relationship with something cold. It creates more space for relationship. I find a plate with crumbs on the coffee table, I note the fine on the whiteboard and then find my son, maybe ask him to take care of it when he has a minute and then talk to him about his day. That's the win.

Keep leading.

-Andrew

P.S. The sheet by my garage door is one small piece of a bigger system that includes connection, family culture, vision, accountability. I work through the whole thing with a small group of dads every so often, and the next group starts September 1. One month. Weekly calls with me, three group calls, and a few minutes a day. Built to respect your time. Five men only, and I have a couple of seats left. Reply to this email and I'll tell you if it's a fit.