Helping other dads is making me a hypocrite

This week I’m sitting in the tension of competing values. I help dads lead at home, and I’m pulling hours away from my own family.

The dads I work with feel the same pressure. The pressure to provide financially. To be the friend and son and brother you want to be. To be the husband your wife deserves and a father who won't have big regrets after the kids move out. And you also know you're supposed to set aside time for yourself.

You feel stretched thin in so many directions.

That's where I am. I'm making a plan that requires more of me than ever. I'm a full-time CEO and at the same time building a movement of men who are boldly and unapologetically stepping up to lead their families.

That sounds good. But I’ll be honest. I’m worried for my own family. I’ve got four kids at home. These are formative years. And I’m afraid I’m slipping into self-justification.

So here's the story I could tell myself…

There are seasons where we're imbalanced and living unsustainably. I'm doing this to help other dads. I finally understand what really works and actually helps guys create lasting change. It's time to level up the work I'm doing.

It'll just be a few months. I'll explain the early mornings, late evenings and weekends to Brittany. She'll understand how important this is.

I'll talk to each of my kids. I'll explain again why I'm doing all of this and how it aligns with our family values. We're the Kroes family and we use the blessings that God has given us to bless others.

They'll understand the sacrifice. I might give up quantity of time with them, but I'll make sure they still get quality time. And I'll be careful not to bring the stress home.

I'll be modeling hard work and service for others. I'll be an example of the kind of man I hope my sons become and my daughters marry.

It'll only be a few months. Then things can go back to normal. One day they'll understand.

That's the story. And it's the same story so many dads tell themselves. Then later, as the kids grow up and move out, they look back at their priorities and are left with deep regret.

So what's the answer? Do we neuter our striving and ambition outside the home to spend as much time as possible with our family?

I don't think so. I think there's a middle way. Here's how I'm approaching the next few months.

A genuine season has three guardrails that keep you honest. A defined endpoint. Explicit buy-in from the people affected. External accountability that will call you out.

Defined Endpoint

At work, my team plans in quarters. We start by revisiting the long term vision and the goals we have for the year. Then we decide what the next three months will look like.

I'm doing the same thing for my family. What does this look like? It means adding evenings and Saturdays to my work schedule, along with some work during family vacations. But still no work on Sundays.

And the endpoint for this season is the end of Q3. September 30. No ambiguity and not open-ended.

Explicit Buy-In

This is a withdrawal season. And I can't draw from an account that hasn't been funded for years. This only works if the family culture is already strong enough to withstand it.

Here's the question underneath all of it. Does this season serve a common goal, or just my interests? If the honest answer is "just mine," it's not a season. It's selfishness with a deadline.

So I talked to Brittany last night. I didn’t announce the plan. We had an actual conversation about what we were both feeling 6 months into the year, what the next 3 months could look like, and how it would impact the entire family. She helped me better understand how this would impact her. She told me what was most important to her. We made some adjustments to the plan. And now it’s our plan.

Now I’m in the process of sitting down with each of my kids for age-appropriate conversations, one at a time. I’m telling them what’s planned, why it aligns with our family mission, values and goals, and the tradeoffs they might feel over the summer. I’m delivering it as a plan that Brittany and I have made. And yet, I’m going in very curious about how they’ll respond and questions that they’ll ask.

And as those conversations continue, the plan continues to adjust as it becomes our family’s plan rather than work that steals me away from the family.

External Accountability

I'm sharing this publicly, and that's part of it. But the real accountability is my own brotherhood. The guys who know me best can see through my rationalizing faster than I can. They're the ones who get to tell me when a season is quietly turning into a lifestyle. I’m giving them permission to do exactly that.

Those are the three guardrails. By this standard, this season is legitimate. Which now means I have to live it well.

The next few months are full of opportunity and opportunity cost. FamLEAD is leveling up. This is turning from a passion project into something real. I'm excited, and I'm grateful for those of you leaning in alongside me.

Keep leading.

-Andrew