Dads, do these 3 things to pass along your faith and values

Guys,

I’ve got four kids still in the house. There’s one outcome I care about more than any other.

It’s not about achievements. It’s not even their happiness. It’s not that they “discover their identity” or anything like that.

I pray that they retain certain character traits, values, and worldviews as they grow up and step into adulthood.

That’s right. I’m not hoping they “find themselves” and create their own values from scratch. I believe in absolute truth. I also believe God gave dads a real role as leaders in the home, which means teaching that truth.

So yeah, I’m indoctrinating my kids. And you should be too.

In a sense, it’s about installing the right operating system. It’s about wisdom. It’s about truly understanding what is right and wrong and distinguishing between what is good and what is trash.

Because if I don’t, culture will. And with the leverage of technology, culture has more influence over our kids than ever.

Now, of course they’re each unique with different personalities and different interests. Over time they’ll form variations of their own personal values. This isn’t about controlling every detail of who they are.

This is about telling them the truth about who they are and what they’re meant for.

Some dads disagree with that, or the wording rubs them the wrong way. Many more agree, at least in principle. But either way, record numbers of young people are still walking away from the faith and worldview they were raised with.

We can’t control outcomes. Our kids will make their own decisions. But we do have heavy influence.

Here are three things that fathers can do to pass along their values, faith and worldviews to their kids.

Practice what you preach

This one’s obvious, and it’s still the most important.

If someone tells you they believe something but lives like they believe the opposite, what do you conclude? You question their beliefs and their character.

So take an honest look at the man you are. Not just what you hope your kids see. Also the parts of you you try to keep hidden.

Would you be proud of your sons if they became the man you are?

Do you hope your daughters marry a man like you?

Kids don’t just copy beliefs. They model lifestyles.

Yes, you should have conversations about beliefs and values. But the best conversations will center around how you’re actually applying your faith in real life.

How do your values show up in things like:

• How you treat their mother
• Career decisions
• Generosity and service
• What your family schedule prioritizes
• Your health and how you care for yourself

Do your kids see you stick to your values, especially when it costs you something?

Hypocrisy destroys everything. Not just the hypocrisy your kids catch you in. Also the stuff you think you’re hiding. You don’t get away with anything.

This isn’t about perfection. In fact, those times when you fall short are typically the best opportunities to live into your values. Kids can get discouraged when they feel like their parents are perfect while they keep messing up. Kids need to see how you respond when you fall short. They need to see you repair and apologize.

Authentic parental faith is the strongest predictor of intergenerational transmission.

Show warmth to your kids

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Eph. 6:4)

When it comes to transmission of faith and theology, we as fathers are painting the picture of how they view God as their father.

When we’re absent… “Is God really there?”

When we’re passive… “Does God really care?”

When we’re harsh… “Is God angry with me?”

And on the other side:

When we’re lighthearted… “God delights in me”

When we’re warm… “God loves me”

When we’re firm… “God cares about me”

I talk a lot about the two “ditches” with family leadership. One ditch is domination: the authoritarian who creates fear and anxiety. And when we overcorrect we end up in the other ditch which is equally as destructive: abdication. This is the passive father who creates uncertainty. Kids wonder if he really cares.

The road we’re called to is an authoritative model. High warmth and high expectations.

“I love you unconditionally.”

“And I’m not lowering the bar. I know what you’re capable of, and I’m here to help.”

Practically speaking:

• Discipline consistently and out of love
• Build emotional closeness by spending time with them daily
• Check your mood and attitude, it sets the tone for the house
• Set a high bar for inputs rather than outcomes and then provide high support
• Take your role seriously, but don’t take yourself too seriously
• Be playful, lighthearted and have fun

What’s the “feel” of your home when you’re around?

When the authoritarian father comes home, there’s tension and fear. The passive/permissive father feels absent, creating feelings of isolation and anxiety.

The authoritative father’s presence creates belonging, meaning and safety.

Help them make their faith their own

God invites obedience. He doesn’t coerce. As our kids grow, we need to shift the same way.

One of the most counterintuitive research findings is that kids who are allowed to question and wrestle are more likely to retain faith long-term.

Overcontrol often produces reactive rejection later. Especially in strong-willed kids.

This will look a little different in every family. It may even look different for each kid. And it has to evolve as they age, just like every other adult-level freedom you gradually hand over.

Here are a few practical ways to do this:

• Allow disagreement and encourage questions
• Make space for doubt and be ok with not having all the answers
• Share your own journey and how you arrived at your own beliefs
• Talk about doubts you may still be wrestling with
• Let them make values-based decisions while they’re still under your roof (money, generosity, health choices, priorities)
• Discuss and distinguish between “core issues” (non-negotiables) along with things on the margins

The key here is balance: steady conviction and intentional influence paired with letting go of control at the right times. That takes courage. Sometimes it also takes a healthy dose of tough love, which fathers are uniquely designed to deliver.

A lot of kids are “deconstructing” in their twenties. My hope is to guide my kids through a solid and healthy construction process in their teens. Not so that they believe everything I believe, but to teach and instill the non-negotiables while creating space for them to make their faith their own.

The goal is to gradually transition from forced conformity at 10 to chosen conviction by 20.

As I looked at the research, I expected friends and peer groups to make the short list. Interestingly, they don’t. It’s not that they don’t matter. They absolutely do. But research suggests peers tend to reinforce or undermine what’s happening at home rather than replace it as the primary influence.

In other words, your job as a father is to build a home culture and design an environment that supports the values you’re teaching. That includes church, school, friend groups, and the broader media and cultural inputs. But you can’t outsource formation. Like it or not, you will be the primary influence.

The good news is not that this is easy. The good news is that fathers carry unique responsibility, which means we carry powerful influence.

Multiple studies show that the father's faith matters even more than the mother’s for long-term retention. When fathers are disengaged spiritually, retention drops sharply, even if mothers are devout.

So lead visibly:

• Be the man you hope your daughters marry and your sons become
• Show warmth and provide support along with high expectations
• Pray with your kids and initiate values-based conversations
• Take responsibility for family rhythms including church attendance
• Own your failures openly

Your children are not so much asking “Is what dad believes actually true” as much as they are considering “Is this good? Should I model this? Is this worth building a life on?”

When your worldview is embodied, relational, integrated into everyday life, and inviting, the odds of transmission go up dramatically. Not guaranteed, but maximized.

Like everything else we discuss here at FamLEAD, this isn’t about guilt or pressure. This isn’t just about the hard work and sacrifice, hoping for certain outcomes. This is about opportunity and adventure.

Consider one practical step you can take today to become more intentional. Then add another and then another. Enjoy the journey, one step at a time.

-Andrew