Are you a Nice Guy?

Guys,

Some of you are part of our group that's meeting in person every other week. We'll be back together in person on Wednesday.

Others are using this content to discuss with other men in their lives or even to self-reflect. If you are interested in starting your own in-person group and want some extra help facilitating, send me a note.

In the meantime, my group is meeting through end of May before a summer break, and I'll continue to share these discussion topics every two weeks.

Recap

Our meeting earlier this month was our first meeting. For about 90 minutes we covered a number of ideas including:

• What does leadership look like within a marriage/family?
• Is leadership more of a privilege or a burden?
• Should wives and husbands co-lead 50/50?
• What leadership extremes do we need to avoid?

When it comes to extremes, there are two ends. Some men are passive and abdicate responsibility while others veer towards domination in their attempts to control.

I learned that most of the guys, including myself, lean toward passivity. That's been the societal shift over the past 50+ years. Maybe the pendulum is starting to swing back, but I find that the majority of men that I interact with would classify themselves as "nice guys" to a fault.

During our conversation, I found out a couple of us had recently read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. Whether you agree with every element of his solution/framework, his diagnosis of the problem is spot on.

As we head into our next meeting this week, we're going to zoom in more closely on the tendency of many men to prioritize niceness over almost everything else. We'll figure out where we individually sit on the Nice Guy continuum.

This isn't a book review of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" but we will be integrating a number of his ideas into our conversation. We'll distinguish niceness from truly being a kind and good man. And we'll begin to discover how we can deal with some of our nice guy tendencies while avoiding overcorrection.

Here we go.

The Abdication Ditch: A Closer Look

Last week, we talked about the two ditches that family leadership can fall into: abdication on one side and domination on the other. We said that real leadership lives on the narrow road between them, and that most men today drift more toward abdication than domination.

This week, we're going deeper into that abdication ditch. Specifically, we're looking at what's often called "Nice Guy Syndrome," a pattern of behavior that looks like kindness and servanthood on the surface but is actually rooted in fear, dishonesty, and manipulation.

If that language feels harsh, stay with me. Most of us have some version of this pattern built into us, whether we realize it or not. And the first step toward change is honest self-awareness.

What Is Nice Guy Syndrome?

Nice Guy Syndrome is a pattern where a man avoids conflict, suppresses his own needs and opinions, seeks constant approval, and operates from unspoken expectations. He believes that if he can just be helpful enough, agreeable enough, and selfless enough, then he'll be loved, respected, and rewarded.

The problem is that it doesn't work. And worse, it's deeply dishonest.

Interestingly, the Nice Guy isn't actually all that nice. He's operating from a set of covert contracts, unspoken deals he's made in his head where he does things for others while expecting something specific in return. When those expectations aren't met (and they often aren't, because no one else knows about the contract), he feels hurt, frustrated, and resentful.

His "niceness" isn't generosity. It's a strategy, whether he realizes it or not. And over time, it erodes trust, kills attraction, and breeds quiet bitterness in both him and his wife.

If you grew up in certain church environments, this pattern may have been reinforced as humility, servanthood, or "dying to self." But there's a massive difference between genuine selflessness and Nice Guy behavior.

Genuine selflessness comes from strength and confidence. It's a free choice made from a grounded place. It doesn't expect anything in return, and it doesn't breed resentment.

Nice Guy behavior comes from fear and insecurity. It's a strategy to avoid rejection, conflict, or disappointment. And it always expects something in return, even if that expectation is never stated out loud.

Why It's a Problem

Nice Guy Syndrome destroys the very things a man wants most.

It kills respect. When a man constantly defers, avoids conflict, and operates from fear, his wife loses respect for him. She may still love him. She may still trust him in certain areas. But she doesn't look to him for leadership. And deep down, he loses respect for himself too.

It kills attraction. Attraction requires polarity. A wife is drawn to a man who is grounded, confident, and clear. A man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to say it. A man who can handle conflict without collapsing or exploding. Nice Guy behavior flattens that polarity. There's no tension, no pursuit, no masculine energy to be drawn toward. Just agreeability and passivity.

It kills intimacy. Real intimacy requires honesty. When a man hides his preferences, suppresses his needs, and presents a polished version of himself, he's not actually letting his wife know him. He's managing her perception of him. That's not intimacy. That's image control. And it creates distance, even if the marriage looks functional on the outside.

It builds resentment. When a man operates from covert contracts and unspoken expectations, he's setting himself up for constant disappointment. His wife has no idea what he's expecting because he never told her. So when she doesn't deliver on the unspoken deal, he feels hurt and she feels confused. Over time, this breeds bitterness on both sides.

It forces your wife to lead. When a man refuses to make decisions, own outcomes, or enter necessary conflict, someone has to step up. Usually, it's his wife. She starts carrying the mental load by default. She makes the calls. She holds the stress. And even though she may be capable, it exhausts her and plants seeds of resentment. She didn't marry him to lead him.

Here's the hardest part: Nice Guy behavior often feels like the loving, humble, servant-hearted thing to do. It's socially rewarded in certain circles. People praise the guy who "just wants everyone to be happy" or who "never causes problems."

But underneath the surface, it's fear. Fear of conflict. Fear of rejection. Fear of being too much or not enough. Fear of her disappointment. It's fear rooted in selfishness.

And fear-based leadership isn't leadership at all.

How to Spot Nice Guy Tendencies in Yourself

Here are some diagnostic questions to help you identify where Nice Guy Syndrome shows up in your life.

Do you avoid stating your preferences to keep the peace? When your wife asks where you want to eat, do you genuinely not care, or are you just avoiding putting energy into a response? When she asks your opinion on something, do you defer to whatever she wants, even when you have a preference? Do you tell yourself you're being easygoing when you're actually avoiding potential conflict?

Do you expect certain outcomes without ever stating your expectations? Do you do extra work around the house hoping it will lead to sex, then feel frustrated when it doesn't? Do you agree to plans you don't want to participate in, expecting your wife to notice your sacrifice and feel grateful?

Do you keep score of what you've done and how underappreciated you feel? Do you mentally tally up the things you've sacrificed or accommodated? Do you think things like, "I always go along with what she wants, but when I ask for something..." Do you feel like you're constantly giving more than you're getting?

Do you say "it's fine" when it's not? When something bothers you, do you brush it off in the moment, only to have it resurface later in your thoughts or come out sideways in sarcasm or withdrawal? Do you avoid conflict by pretending things don't bother you, then feel resentful that she doesn't seem to notice or care?

Are you overly concerned with whether your wife is upset with you? Do you constantly check in to see if she's mad? Do you feel anxious when she's in a bad mood, even if it has nothing to do with you? Does her emotional state determine your sense of stability? Do you take responsibility for fixing her emotions rather than letting her work through them?

Do you struggle to say no, then feel overwhelmed and resentful? Do you overcommit because you don't want to disappoint people? Do you say yes to things you don't have bandwidth for, then feel stretched thin? Do you have better boundaries with strangers than you do with your own family?

Do you hide your struggles to avoid burdening your wife? Do you present a polished version of yourself rather than being honest about what you're dealing with? Do you tell yourself you're protecting her by not sharing your stress, doubts, or failures? Do you keep her at arm's length emotionally while telling yourself you're being strong?

Do you use hidden behaviors to cope with stress, unmet needs, or emotional pain? When life gets hard, when you feel unappreciated, when you're stressed or lonely, do you turn to porn, excessive screen time, drinking, or other compulsive behaviors to numb out or escape? Do you have habits you keep hidden from your wife, not because they're necessarily catastrophic, but because you know they'd reveal how you're actually doing? Do you meet your needs through secret outlets rather than addressing them directly in your relationships?

Do you jump to fix her emotions rather than just listening? When your wife shares something she's upset about, do you immediately try to solve it or explain why she shouldn't feel that way? Do you get frustrated when she's emotional because you don't know how to make it better? Do you struggle to just be present without needing to fix the problem?

Do you change your behavior based on her mood rather than your convictions? Does your confidence rise and fall with her approval? Do you make decisions based on what you think she wants rather than what you believe is right? Do you shape yourself into whoever you think she needs you to be rather than being grounded in who you actually are?

Do you feel entitled when your "niceness" doesn't pay off? When you've been extra helpful, extra patient, or extra accommodating, do you feel like you've earned something? Do you get frustrated when your efforts aren't noticed or rewarded the way you expected? Do you sometimes pity and feel sorry for yourself? Do you feel like your wife "owes" you for all the ways you've been cooperative?

If you answered yes to more than a few of these, you've got some Nice Guy tendencies. And that's okay. Most of us do. The point isn't to beat yourself up. The point is to see it clearly so you can start changing it.

Where Does This Come From?

Nice Guy Syndrome doesn't just appear out of nowhere. It's usually learned early and reinforced over time.

For many men, it started in childhood. Maybe you had a controlling or absent father. Perhaps you had an overbearing mother that taught you how important it was for you to please women. Maybe you learned that your worth was tied to performance. Maybe you had to manage a parent's emotions to keep the peace. Maybe conflict in your home was volatile, so you learned to avoid it at all costs. Maybe you were praised for being the "good kid" who never caused problems, and that became your identity.

Then culture reinforces it. "Happy wife, happy life." "Be selfless." "Don't be controlling." You sometimes hear these messages in church, in media, in casual conversation. And they sound noble. But they often lead to passivity, not marital health.

Add in fear (fear of rejection, fear of conflict, fear of not being enough) and you've got a recipe for Nice Guy behavior.

The good news is that patterns learned can be patterns unlearned. But it requires honesty, humility, and intentionality.

The Opposite Ditch: Don't Use This as an Excuse

We need to acknowledge the other extreme, but let's be clear about something up front: if you're reading this and identifying with Nice Guy tendencies, overcorrecting into domination is not your biggest risk right now.

The real danger is that you'll use the fear of overcorrecting as an excuse to avoid making necessary changes.

You'll read about Nice Guy Syndrome, recognize yourself in it, feel the conviction to start being more direct and honest, and then immediately talk yourself out of it by thinking, "But I don't want to become domineering or controlling."

So you stay passive. You keep avoiding conflict. You continue operating from covert contracts. You tell yourself you're being wise and balanced, but really, you're just staying in the same ditch you've always been in.

Here's the truth: Nice Guys almost never overcorrect into domination. The fear that keeps you passive in the first place is the same fear that will keep you from swinging too far the other direction. Your temperament, your wiring, and your learned patterns don't just flip overnight.

What's far more likely is that you'll make small, tentative steps toward honesty and directness, feel uncomfortable because it's unfamiliar, and then retreat back into passivity while telling yourself you were "in danger of going too far."

You weren't. You were just starting to move.

Now, that said, the opposite ditch does exist. And it is destructive.

A man who overcorrects from passivity into domination becomes controlling, rigid, and demanding. He swings from "whatever you want, dear" to "my way or the highway." He realizes he's been hiding his needs, so now he makes everything about himself. He might even selectively quote certain scriptures at his wife. He's been too accommodating, so now he refuses to accommodate at all.

This is still fear-based leadership, just wearing different clothes. Instead of fear of conflict, it's fear of losing control. Instead of seeking approval, it's demanding compliance. Instead of hiding himself, he's forcing himself on others. Both extremes are characterized by selfishness, it just looks a little different on either side.

The goal is to become honest, grounded, and confident. A healthy man can be both strong and tender. He can lead without controlling. He can serve without scorekeeping. He can care deeply about his wife's wellbeing without making her happiness his responsibility. He can say no when needed and yes when appropriate, and neither answer comes from fear.

That's the narrow road. And getting there requires self-awareness, humility, and the courage to actually change, not just think about changing.

So yes, be aware of both ditches. But if you're a Nice Guy, your work right now is to start moving. Don't let the fear of overcorrecting keep you stuck in the ditch you're already in.

What We'll Dive Into Next

This week is about diagnosis. Seeing it clearly. Naming it honestly. Understanding where it shows up and why it's a problem.

During our following meeting, we'll get more into what to do about it. How to communicate directly instead of hinting. How to set boundaries without guilt. How to enter conflict in a way that builds trust instead of destroying it. How to own your desires without covert contracts. How to lead from strength instead of fear.

But first, you have to be willing to see yourself accurately.

Key Ideas

• Nice Guy Syndrome is a pattern of fear-based behavior disguised as kindness
• It operates through covert contracts, conflict avoidance, and unspoken expectations
• It destroys respect, attraction, intimacy, and breeds resentment
• The opposite extreme (domination and selfishness) is equally destructive
• The goal is honest, grounded leadership that blends strength and tenderness
• Self-awareness is the first step toward change

Reflection & Application

1. Which of the diagnostic questions above hit closest to home for you? Where do you see Nice Guy tendencies showing up most clearly in your life?
2. Think back to your childhood and family of origin. Where do you think some of these patterns were first learned or reinforced?
3. Can you identify a recent example where you operated from a covert contract? What were you doing, and what were you expecting in return (even if you never said it out loud)?
4. On a scale of 1-10, where would you put yourself on the Nice Guy Syndrome spectrum? (1 = no tendencies at all, 10 = this describes most of my behavior)
5. What's one specific area where you want to start practicing more honesty and directness this week? (It doesn't have to be big. Small steps count.)

Remember: the goal isn't perfection or overnight transformation. It's trajectory. Small, consistent steps in the right direction over time add up to meaningful change.

Let's keep walking this road together.

-Andrew